Hey hello assalamualaikum! Phew the title eheh, I feel like venting about this,
And no, I am neither writing this because I am sad at the moment nor I want to whine or say that I regret, it's just, I feel like writing the whole story out. I am gonna write this just because.
It's been a year and 7 months. I still remember studying for my last supplementary paper, which if I had passed, I would have been able to proceed to the rest of IC3 - Year 3.
My experience at Perdana wasn't that good, but I lived every moment. I had that phase of happiness, that phase of sadness, that phase filled with anxiety, that phase of studying endlessly (because last minute right, of course la endlessly haha), that phase of "wanna give up but..", you name it. I can't list them all, it would take forever.
I started out really bad, I was in a bad shape, mentally, physically, but I really appreciate the friendships that I have made along the way I've paved in PU. They are angels. The close ones, especially. Then my first ever medschool examination, I failed 3 out of 5 papers. They were biochemistry, physiology and anatomy related.
So I entered the second semester with 3 failed papers and I still failed another 2 papers out of 5 in semester 2. Which made them altogether 5 papers to be repeated in July-August, before second year started. I think I passed 2 and failed 3 out of those 5; which made me ineligible to proceed to second year and I had to repeat the whole first year including the papers that I had passed. By the way I was the second batch so repeating first year pushed me into the third cohort, which is to graduate in 2018 (next year woohoo chaiyok guysss!).
Starting again from the bottom, with a new batch, new set of friends, it was hard at first but I wasn't alone so these awesome people really helped a lot, we helped each other, comforted each other, we even held weekly study session - where each of us prepared our own sets of questions for us to drill before a coming examination. It somehow worked, along with my friends, we made it to pass our second-time-first-year smoothly; passing all papers in the first sitting.
Then I made it to my second year. Third semester was the best, academically, again my friends actually helped a lot, and at least in this sem la I got one first class honour (it was the easiest module lol) haha but I think third semester's subjects were, for me, enjoyable. Neuroscience was the hardest but it was fun, my card signing's grades escalated from C to A, it felt really good. EBH-PIH was sakit kepala jugak sikit but I liked it. Clinical Competencies la paling best senanya haha.
Fourth semester was DISASTROUS. Proceeding from junior cycle to intermediate cycle was like going through a tsunami wave, the syllabus slapped us so hard, the contents were harder, the materials were even more massive. Plus the exam questions hit puberty from hard to impossible. Ha gitu. (Senior cycle, Idk if I were to face SC's exams I think I'd be dead at the first question). So even though there were 3 modules je untuk sem 4, I failed all of them.
So here came the beginning of my ending. As usual, repeat examination will be held in July-August, before the new semester commences (usually in September). So I went to PU, repeated all 3 papers, but like, em, 2-3 days before new semester commenced, meaning it was the fifth semester for me (third year), a shocking, bomb-dropping news hit us (the repeaters).
The supplementary papers (questions/answers/not sure) were suspected to have leaked out so they decided to not reveal the results and told us to sit for another session of supplementary examination. A FREAKING THIRD SITTING. As if the first two sessions weren't depressing enough. (Serious talk, stress gila repeat paper ok). And this was where my anger started. I mean, why la ada people yang selfish sampai menyusahkan students of 3 branches of RCSI weh omo ya Allah ya rabbi sabarkan aku ha gitu dong.
Masa tu we all like ada 10 days kot to our third sitting, memang terkejut yang teramat sangat, dahla dah enjoy en sebab dah exam, tunggu result je, redha je masa tu kalau fail (memang dah kena drop out la jawab dia), tapi ye lah, takdir Tuhan kan. And resit tu pulak, kan tadi I mentioned I failed 3 modules kan, they arranged 2 papers first and if you pass the 2 papers, you can proceed to semester 5, and these people yang ada lagi one paper (like me), akan sit for the last one early January 2016. Masa tu it was September 2015. Okay takpelah kucar kacir gila study study study dah pasrah habis semua miraculously I passed both paper. Serious weh masa nak bukak result nangis macam mati laki do. Sumpah. Like I cried so hard sebab ye lah, takut juga fail walaupun sedar diri tak up to medical student punya level haha, lepas bukak result lompat2 weh ya Tuhan FEELING TU STILL BOLEH INGAT SAMPAI SEKARANG. Indescribable.
And yes, I changed a bit during semester 5 ni, I studied better, walaupun taklah start earlier like from the early semester tapi I did make some changes, and I did feel like I answered my 5th semester's papers the second best after JC3's, if not the best, among all exam in PU :') tapi maybe that was only my feeling...
Long story short, 5th semester ended and I started revising for my supplementary paper. It was FMIP - Foundation in Microbiology, Immunology & Pathology. I think Immuno alone ada 10 chapters, microbe Idk, banyak gila, patho maybe ada 8-9 chapters kot, phew. My fault la I focused at the bigger microbes, yang more common so soalan keluar yg less common so memang I couldn't answer, I couldn't recall the slide at all. Slide dia dalam banyak2 slide in one lecture microbe tu, ada 1 slide je :') penyesalan masa tu, haha, dah tiada guna. So takpelah, I teruskan hidup. Masuk IC3. IC3 ni dah start pergi hospital tau. But the first week was like clinical skill enhancement punya classes so second week baru start pergi hospital. It was HKL at that time. Masa tu la baru start rasa best belajar medic, sebab dapat feel the real deal. Sumpah lenguh kaki berdiri dekat ward 8-5 but I wad kinda thankful first rotation I dapat ward cardio, best sesangat, lepak la sikit tapi best (biased ni sebab I like cardio).
Depressingly, I bodoh bukak result dalam kereta on the way balik from HKL to rumah sewa in 16 Sierra, Puchong. That's the dumbest shit I've done, ever. Free drama air mata dalam kereta omo I gotta apologise to Hana, Iffah, Nurul and Yargdesh. Sorry guys, for making you feel uncomfortable in that car, that evening. I regret doing that, so much. Feeling dia sekali lagi indescribable, rasa jadi anak tak guna and so on which I choose not to write here because it would be depressing nak mati. Haha.
Update: Oh ya I definitely couldn't continue my medical degree anymore because if I'm not mistaken I have to complete year 1-3 in 4 years time (boleh repeat year once only). Since I have repeated my first year, failing in supplementary paper means I'm done.
Update: Oh ya I definitely couldn't continue my medical degree anymore because if I'm not mistaken I have to complete year 1-3 in 4 years time (boleh repeat year once only). Since I have repeated my first year, failing in supplementary paper means I'm done.
So, I actually sempat clerked a patient masa dekat cardio ward, that was my first and last patient that I clerked. Taktau nak rasa apa. Aku sempat masuk ward 3 days rasanya. Because result was out on Thursday, I remember meeting Dr Karen on Friday dekat GSH, I remember lepaking at Izzy's (truly my life savior that day), I remember crying in front of Gogi when he approached me to actually comfort me, he said, "when one door closed, another door will open", I remember crying at the monorail station tepi kaunter tiket sebab suddenly sedih gila, I remember I went to Teefah at MAHSA, pastu nak balik rumah jalan jammed gila, tak dapat grabcar, hopped onto a bus which I never boarded on tapi belasah je la, lalu entah kat mana2 yang I tak kenal langsung area tu, alhamdulillah selamat sampai rumah walaupun sardin dalam bas kena kepit pintu masa dia nak bukak dengan ada bangla staring and smiling, creepy gila nak nangis by the way I chose to be alone and I traveled here and there alone masa tu, crying in the train lagi, haha. Rasa malu kot dengan my friends, I guess...
5th semester tu rasa macam hantu. I was there, but I don't get to see my results. Semester tu yang hantu, not me. Haha. I paid (basically JPA la) my fees (but I hafta pay back la obviously), tapi I tak dapat apa (ye la dapat ilmu ok ok I know but you know what I mean). Almost like bayar for nothing tau and because of partially, other's fault. Sebab I failed third sitting which is not my fault actually exam tu was being held after 5th semester. I taknak la cakap salah siapa2, tapi you know, rasa terkilan. Sebab I always kinda terfikir, if (okay tak baik but lemme vent first), if memang takdir I failed repeat paper, yang bulan Ogos tu, I didn't get to proceed to 5th sem pun kan, I would have been able to save my time by enrolling right away in another uni in September 2015, not a year after. Plus, kenapa mesti ada makhluk selfish yang dishonest bocorkan paper sampai semua orang kena tanggung akibat, sedih tau. Very depressing. Very. I can't portray how killing it was, and I know I wasn't alone, and I know ada lagi yang felt the same thing. Tu je I rasa yang I still takleh move on.
Speaking right here from the future (wow), I am proud of myself. I am proud I survived the day yang I dapat result tu. I nangis so much, I have changed so much. Masa pergi jumpa staff PU buat clearance sebab nak drop out pun rasa down gila tapi I held it in, I wanted to show that I was strong enough to bear the consequences of being stupid and I have learnt. Met the Dean, I met the counselor, I met the Idk who she was (tak ingat haha), entah siapa je lagi tah aku jumpa. Maybe some people wonder, why weren't my parents there, biasanya budak drop out parents mesti pergi jumpa faculty members, tapi masa tu I didn't allow my parents to be there, it was my choice, I chose so (: I am weird in that way. Hari anugerah zaman sekolah pun selalunya I cakap kat parents takyah datang, even masa dapat straight A's SPM. Ni bila dah failed, lagi la I tanak parents datang tunjuk muka, rasa macam taknak diorang feel humiliated ada anak macam ni (masa tu la, ok, masa tu I fikir camtu).
So selalunya these days if I'm down, I kinda almost always tell myself, if I can survive all that shit, especially result day tu, I won't bother to feel and be defeated by small challenges. I may pause or hesitate, or like termenung when hard phases come, but I'll survive. I'll put a higher trust in my own self, I believe in myself even more.
Rentetan from failing at PU, I had real anxiety especially masa first sem kat UniSZA, masa nak exam mesti anxious teruk, nak OSPE aku berdebar gila macam nak mati tak senang duduk, but alhamdulillah kawan memahami, Allah banyak membantu, syukur sangat.
And no, I wasn't giving up. I thought, a change of direction was necessary, for a greater good.
It may be hard at first, but as years pass, everything will fall into its place, and things will eventually get even better, insyaAllah.
I now, love myself even more. I feel stronger, and (insyaAllah) a lot wiser. Still immature, but I'm learning to be wise. Like I said, I am proud of myself, despite all the setbacks, a greater future will greet me, and I'm closer to it, insyaAllah. Lain tau, when you've been through shit, somehow you yourself akan rasa teguh. Benda kecil yang before this matters, is now nothing. And all these strengths I've gained, alhamdulillah, all praises be to Him.
Disclaimer: I don't hold pride in dropping out from medschool, don't get the wrong idea. Things happen and I didn't think, at all, it would turn out the way it did. All I'm saying is what's done is done, there's no use in looking back and get dragged into the past. Instead, I look back to see how much I've stepped and grew. I'm thankful at how far and much I've learnt, this specific experience was indeed a great teacher."Happiness does not come from excellence, it comes from excelling at living."
وَمَنْ يَتَّقِ اللَّهَ يَجْعَلْ لَهُ مَخْرَجًا (2) وَيَرْزُقْهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ
And whosoever stays conscious of Allah, He will create for him a way out, and He will provide for him from where he does not expect. (65:2-3)
